I’m noticing lately that I’m becoming emotional. 

There was a boy in high school who hardened my heart, made me completely jaded and literally made me an emotionally distant person. My friends would make fun of me during sappy movies, for my lack of emotion. I was known as the girl who had a heart of stone, and the sad part is… I was proud. After the emotionally, wrecking relationship, I made a vow that I would NEVER allow people to see me cry. I would never let anyone’s words penetrate me. I would never show people that I was weak. Because, in that relationship, I was told that I was weak for crying or for hurting. I hated for people to feel sorry for me and so I vowed to never let anyone see that side of me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I cried. But it took a whole lot to get me there, and I almost always did it in the shower. No one can join me there. 

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve allowed some healing to take place. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still very hard for me to cry in front of people. But I cry more often. But I find myself realizing that more often than not, I cry, not because I’m in pain, but because I’m amazed. Because I’m happy. 

Mostly because I think of how much my heavenly Father loves me, and just the thought of it bring me to tears. 

I had a moment like this the other day on my way home. I had a terrible day at work. I was tired, I was moody, I was irritated. The only thing I could think to do was turn on my Worship playlist on Spotify (don’t worry I pay for premium). Even though I didn’t feel like it, even though it took all my energy, I turned up the music and sang as loud as I could. Then a song came on. Phil Wickham’s song “Beautiful”. One of the most beautifully written songs I’ve ever heard. 

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night

Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful

I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful

I’ve heard this song many times before, but those last two verses…. Well they had me crying like a baby. And then I started thinking. 

God knows all things. He knows our entire lives, even before we’re ever born. He spends our entire lives blessing us, pouring out His spirit in different ways, discipling us, teaching us, loving on us, and really just spending time with us. Thousands of years ago, after being beaten, almost to death, he carried a heavy cross through a city and was willingly nailed to a cross, had a sword driven through His side and in His last few minutes of life, pleaded for forgiveness of the very people who hung him there. All of that he suffered so that we, so that I, so that YOU could live eternally with Him. 

You would think that if someone was going to go through all of that for someone else, they would want something in return. You would think that in order to live eternally with Him, you would have to pay for it. Maybe once you got to Heaven, you would need to spend all of eternity paying for it. Think about it, this world tells us that NOTHING is really free. There is always a catch. 

“We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful”

The truth is, that debt… has already been paid. Isn’t it amazing that Jesus conquered both sin and the debt for that sin in one tragic and loving act? We are forgiven of ours sins because He died on the cross, we don’t have to repay that debt because He died on the cross. So what happens when we get to Heaven? We get to worship Him for all of eternity. We get to call Him beautiful forever. We don’t HAVE to. We get to! Some of my favorite memories throughout my entire lifetime are during moments of worship. 

And then to think that I get to spend all of eternity doing just that….well, it brings me to tears. Why? Because in that moment I realize the love that God has for me. I realize that as excited as I am about spending eternity with Him, He is just as excited about spending time with me. He loves me that much. 

I can’t wait for that day.

Isaiah 65:17-25, “Pay close attention now:
    I’m creating new heavens and a new earth.
All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain
    are things of the past, to be forgotten.
Look ahead with joy.
    Anticipate what I’m creating:
I’ll create Jerusalem as sheer joy,
    create my people as pure delight.
I’ll take joy in Jerusalem,
    take delight in my people:
No more sounds of weeping in the city,
    no cries of anguish;
No more babies dying in the cradle,
    or old people who don’t enjoy a full lifetime;
One-hundredth birthdays will be considered normal—
    anything less will seem like a cheat.
They’ll build houses
    and move in.
They’ll plant fields
    and eat what they grow.
No more building a house
    that some outsider takes over,
No more planting fields
    that some enemy confiscates,
For my people will be as long-lived as trees,
    my chosen ones will have satisfaction in their work.
They won’t work and have nothing come of it,
    they won’t have children snatched out from under them.
For they themselves are plantings blessed by God,
    with their children and grandchildren likewise God-blessed.
Before they call out, I’ll answer.
    Before they’ve finished speaking, I’ll have heard.
Wolf and lamb will graze the same meadow,
    lion and ox eat straw from the same trough,
    but snakes—they’ll get a diet of dirt!
Neither animal nor human will hurt or kill
    anywhere on my Holy Mountain,” says God.

You can buy Phil’s song “You’re Beautiful” here.


To Procrastinate or Not to procrastinate…

I’ve been thinking about writing. Not just blogging. But Writing. 

Not to say that blogging isn’t writing, or that your not really a writer if you blog. Some of my favorite bloggers are some of the best writers I’ve read. (Although, I’m not really a great critic, I tend to love even some of the worst books, movies and music…)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about writing my story. My life story. From my earliest memories, like the time I took scissors to my hair while my dad was supposed to be watching me, or the time I flipped myself over in a floaty in my Nina’s pool during the summer, to the hardest moments of my life, when my dad left, when my brother died, boys, friends. No matter what, I want to remember all of these things. I want my future husband to know what my life was like, I want my kids and grandkids and great grandkids to have something that will show what my life was about. 

Is that narcissistic? Well, too bad. This is my blog. 🙂

We’ll see. I’m also the WORST procrastinator ever, so I’ll probably never start. 🙂

Bucket list, anyone?


I’ve been thinking about some stuff. I’ve had some errant thoughts about it here and there, from time to time. But today it really hit me. I don’t have an answer for it. It’s just a realization. 

I’ve noticed that when I read books, when I watch movies, when I hear stories… I always, always expect the worse. I’m always waiting for the one mean character. The one who pretends he/she is nice and sweet but really is just playing the part. I’m always waiting for the person to find out that her/his loved one has died, or has some horrible illness, or turned into a horrible murderer. Why the heck do I do this?

This is when I KNOW that I need therapy. Have I been so horribly broken, disappointed, and hurt that I automatically look for the worst in everyone? Am I really that jaded? I certainly don’t want to be that way. 

And then…. what do I do with that? How do I fix that?

Again… no answers here. Just thoughts. 

Good Friday… First Blog

Technically, Good Friday was yesterday. It’s late. This week we found out that a one of my cousins passed away, very, very unexpectedly. And now it has me thinking.

I remember so much the day that my brother died. I remember the feeling that I had. The fear. God, I remember the fear. Fear of the unknown. I didn’t know it then, but looking back I know that it was fear of not knowing. What will tomorrow bring? What will Christmas be like? What is the rest of my life going to look like now?

Today, I can’t help but think back to the Friday that Jesus was killed. After he was taken down, after he was wrapped and His body placed in the tomb. After everyone went home and settled down for the night. Did people lie down in bed and cry? Was that unknown fear settling in? Did Mary lie in bed and cry like my mom did when my brother died? Did the family gather around and talk about Him? Laugh when they recalled, “That One Time” stories.

Did they go to bed wondering what tomorrow would be like?

There is something that makes Jesus’ story so much different than mine. Or my cousins. There was a plan with Jesus’ death. Jesus was to rise three days after his death. Did his followers, family and friends realize that they would once again see Him? Instead of mourning, did they rejoice that he wasn’t gone for good?

Update: The Easter sermon at a church that I’ve just started attending answered a lot of questions for me on this subject. You can check it out here.

Why do these thoughts go through my head so late at night? I think that’s why I started this new blog. My other’s purpose was to update friends and family while I was gone. This one.. is more for me. A place to write my thoughts. I tried to keep them in my notes app… but somehow they got deleted. So here I am. I don’t even think I’m going to tell anyone about this.

This one is just for me.