Growing up I never thought of babies. I wasn’t surrounded by them, so I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t really enjoy holding them, especially the newborns. I never had a desire or dream to have lots of them. In fact, I was the opposite. My plan was to be single forever. No husband. No kids.

That lasted well into my 20’s and now that I’m in my late 20’s, I’m on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I think it was sometime around 25 that a lightbulb went off in my head.

Marriage, when it’s done the way God intended it, sounds amazing. Marriage when it’s done with a man who searches so whole heartedly after God’s heart sounds like the best decision ever.

And ever since then, that is what I’ve craved. It’s what my womanly heart aches for. A good Godly husband, and kids. Oh, so many kids.

Here’s the thing. I’ve always known that I wanted to leave California. With a husband or without. I’ve always known that I wanted to raise kids away from LA. But I had this moment tonight.

See I’m in Yakima, Washington visiting my best friend, Kayla, her husband Luke and their new baby girl Haddie. While I’m here, her parents definitely wanted to see and spend some time with me, plus, Kayla’s 2 sisters have both just recently had babies, so grandma and grandpa are swarming in babies. I got to sit and watch them just sit and stare at these new babies, at Haddie. And you could just see the admiration in their faces. The smiles.

See my mom has always wanted grandkids. I remember not to long after my brother dies she started joking about me having to have 10 kids in order to make up what my brother didn’t get to have. She wants lots of them. And after the revelation at the age of 25 about babies, I was good with that. Well, I’m only giving birth to 2.. but I totally want to adopt a bunch more from a ton of countries. So yeah, give my mom tons of grand babies!! Woohoo!

But. I want to move. I want raise all of those kids in another state. And tonight I realized what I would be taking away from my mom. She always says that she will follow me, but how realistic is that?

So, as aways, I’m left with one question for God? How is that going to work? I don’t want to raise kids in another state while my mom is sitting in California not getting those moments to snuggle with daughter or to watch in amazement of my son. I want her there. But I also want to be selfish and not do those things in LA. So what’s it going to be God?

I’m so thankful that God can handle all of my questions. I’m so glad that I don’t have to be afraid of talking to Him about these things.


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