I’m doing a weekly bible study every Monday night after work. The study is called “Jesus, The One and Only” by Beth Moore. It’s been a great time of studying who Jesus was. How He interacted with His people. How He loved, celebrated and disciplined His children.
We meet tonight to talk about Part 8. I didn’t allow for much reading time this weekend, so with some downtime at work I started reading… the last chapter in this part was reflecting on Christ’s return and how we can know when that time is coming. As I was reading, I could sense Beth’s excitement about this subject. I could hear how she is so anticipating Christ’s return. She speaks about how we can see signs of end times even now.
And I found myself…… not excited. More than that, I felt worried, and… (can I even say it?) dreading that time. Thank you Lord that You are not offended by the things that I say. When I finished the chapter I took a break and walked to the bathroom (can we all admit to the fact that we do the most thinking in the bathroom, please? Anyone?) And I started to process it with God.
Jess- “God, I’m sorry… but it’s true. I’m worried.”
-God: “Well, Jess, why are you worried?”
Jess: “Cause I like my life. I want to live my life. I want to get married and have kids and grow old. I want to experience life.”
God: “Don’t you think that eternity with me sounds much better than all of that?”
And that’s where my problem is. I tend to process a lot in the bathroom. haha. And this time was no different. I walked out of there realizing something about myself. I think it’s something that I’ve always known. But it’s time I start walking in that realization and surrendering everything that is not God TO God.
Here it is: I think too much. I allow my brain to take over way more often than not. My brain says “You want to get married, and have kids, you want to experience all the things that everyone else is experiencing.” And it’s battling my heart. My hearts says, “OK brain, now think of this. Think of those moments when we were 10 and 11 years old. Sitting at the altar at Downey Ave. without words after a Sunday evening service. Think about how that night you were so enthralled with God’s presence. Remember how you would just sit there, not wanting to move out of fear of falling out of His presence. Now think about that time that you led worship at Lifegate…and you stood on stage and you read scripture out loud and God’s presence was so thick and heavy that tears began to flow at the very sound of God’s word. Think of all the moments that you have truly spent in God’s presence. That you have stood amongst the most Holy presence…. Are those moments less enticing than getting married and having kids? Because when Christ comes, you get to spend ETERNITY in His presence. You get to worship Him all day, everyday, forever. Forever. Life… isn’t forever. That husband and kids will end. You will die. Life is fleeting. But God. God is forever. He is never-ending. Stop allowing your brain to dominate. Listen to the Christ that lives within the walls of your heart. Let him take over all things.”
And, of course, because my life revolves around music, God put a song in my head. “God Be In My Head” By Jared Anderson. I remember first hearing this song and laughing with others about how simple and kid like it was. This song speaks so much of what my prayer life should be right now.
“God be in my head and in my understanding
God be in my eyes God be in my looking
God be in my mouth God be in my speaking
God be in my heart God be in my thinking
God be in my step God be in my breath
God be in my head
God be in my eyes
God be in my heart
God be in my life
God be in my mouth
God be in my hands
God be all I want
Beginning and the end
God be in my hands God be in my reaching
God be in my soul God be in my seeking
God be in my days God be in my wanderings
God be in my mind God be all consuming
God be all around God be here and now
God be in my step God be in my breath
God be all around God be here and now”