Tapestry of Colors

“First of all, this makes complete sense to me. You are not crazy. In fact, I would say you’re quite the remarkable human being with no limits on your mind. What an amazing thing! You’re the girl in movies that I see with adorable/intriguingly perplex voice-overs. Your mind is a tapestry of colors bursting in all directions, and that’s a beautiful thing that most girls wish they had. I’ll say it again – every girl wishes they had that mysterious element to themselves that you naturally have. The girl that keeps quiet and reads and listens to music just no one will talk to her. The girl that smiles to herself because she is having a party in her mind that no one else is invited to. Your out-of-the-norm personality is what is to be envied here. And I’ll be the first to admit, I wish I had your complex mind. I couldn’t even imagine what I would see if I could just take a look at that tapestry.”

This is a portion of an email that my best friend sent me a few weeks ago. She lives in Washington State and we email each other basically all day, every day. This particular day I was.. well. My mental state might have been in question. I’m a thinker. My mind is constantly moving. It has been that way since I can remember. I’ve always had this, I’d like to call it an ability, but it might actually be a crutch, to live in a fantasy world.

Some people call it day dreaming, but are you allowed to day dream for 90% of your day, every day? That’s me. Most of the time, I love it. I’m an introvert, sometimes to the extreme, so living in a fantasy world is always much easier and comfortable for me. But when I dip back into reality, when my perfect life bubble has been popped and I realize that the life I actually live is no where near what my fantasy world is, it’s almost like I go into a depression. I shut down. I lock myself away and try to keep my mind busy on other people’s fantasy worlds. Books, movies, music.

The weekend prior to my email to the BFF was spent this way. Locked up in my room. So after ranting to her about my crazy mind and how it works, she sent me that paragraph. And that is why she is my best friend. I have NEVER met anyone who is so attuned to the kind of person that I am. She helps me, so often, to understand my own tendencies.

I have a feeling that my 26th year (this year) is going to be a year I look back on and see much growth. I’m being stretched and pulled and my reasoning and thinking are all changing. In some ways, I feel like God is setting me up for something. I feel like I’m right at the edge of something just waiting in anticipation for God to say, “Jump!” It’s scary, and uncomfortable, but it’s exciting. I can only hope that I’m being attentive enough to hear Him.